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I feel this part of my life is such a turbulent change, and I need space to think.

___________________

The only person that understands me completely is myself. I am at once intellectual and juvenile; I am at once brave and weak; I am at once contemplative and careless. Whilst others around me seem to blithely exchange anecdotes of their life story and opinions without so much as a thought, in the process easily making meaningful friendships and hurting through words, I weigh my thoughts, opinions and utterances carefully as if each one had the weight of the rest of my life, my reputation, my relationships hanging on its balance; staying impassive, calm, and neutral.

And that is why I am unable to fully share my inner train of thought with anyone.

I am scared that no one will understand me,

Or I will shatter the image I want people to see me as.

I would hate to burden anyone with my problems,

Or think me needy and insecure.

Perhaps in the process I have alienated friends, perplexed acquaintances, worried family members, and irritated tutors. Perhaps it is because of this that I am able to be acquaintances with many different kinds of people but true friends with few ndash; something that I regret dearly but seems inevitable.

The reason I want to record my thoughts is to reflect. Either to cringe, to laugh at, to be saddened by, or to be disgusted at my own self, past and present. To think about what I have learned, what I should have learned (but didnrsquo;t take the time to), and what I will learn.

Irsquo;d like to think I will spend the rest of my life finding out who I really am, because in the back of my mind, I think thatrsquo;s how long that journey will take.
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